NFL Draft Combine

Let me start this out by saying I am a true athlete. I was born with special talents that could of put me in the big show in any sport O wanted...
Instead I chose to play music, although fun at the time, it was the wrong career path for me. To prove that I am real deal I am going to do my own NFL combine this weekend and video the entire thing to prove to everyone I could of been a first round draft pick. Mind you I never once played football, one of the few sports I didn't dominate from ages 8-13. One thing I won't do is lift weights though, I understand the bench press is apart of the combine, but I can't be getting hurt this close to the SCHL playoffs and Bangbus needs me more than the fans of this blog.

1. 40 yard dash - not a single doubt in my mind I can break the 5 second mark in the 40. Its really not even a challenge and probably the easiest of all the events I will conquer this weekend.
2. Vertical jump - really don't know what to expect here but I'm sure I will surprise myself. Really haven't even jumped more then 3 inches in about 20 years but I've been saving up all my energy and if put on the spot I could probably get rim on a NBA hoop, so I'm not really worried about this one.
3. Broad jump - apparently this is to measure how explosive somebody's hips are. Let me tell you I have explosive hips. I believe this is an Olympic event and I don't know what NFL players get on this, but I should probably finish this between whoever finished with the bronze medal and 5th place. Another event where I know I'll surprise myself. I'm aiming for anywhere between 10 and 11 feet.
4. 3 cone drill - this almost seems like a joke. Its all about staying low and just showing the fucking burst that god gave me. I'm going to fucking thrash this and I have a bad groin right now. If I can't do this in 6.5 seconds then I don't even know what I'll do. At least once a day I show some sort of explosive burst, be it running to the bathroom or to the fridge to grab a beer between periods of NHL13. 7 seconds or less is guaranteed.
5. 20 yard shuttle - this measures the linear and directional changing speed of an athlete over a 20 yard distance. Not impressed. Although I may not be graceful on skates, on my feet is a different story. Grace and poise is my main game and I will beat this drills asshole wide open. I'm going to estimate 4.1 seconds on this and well leave it at that.
6. 60 yard shuttle - this looks like football's version of the ladder drill in hockey. 5 yards, back, 10 yards back, 15 yards, back. bing bang boom. I may actually finish this in 11 seconds flat and I can't rule out me running from the high school field all the way back to my house with a finger held high in the air to represent me being number 1. 11 seconds, maybe 12 if my groin doesn't hold up.         

That's really all there is to it. I'm not saying that I'd be #1 overall pick this year, but I will probably beat that Manti Te'o clown in every event. I would definitely be considered a first round draft pick, but because I'm an avid pot smoker, a lot of scouts are scared to take me with such a high pick fearing I'll pull a Ricky Williams and move to India in my prime. I'm looking forward to this weekend and proving to you all the kind of man I truly am. I didn't laugh once writing this entire article, matter of fact I didn't even smile. I'm serious. Dead serious. See you on Saturday for the update.