No big deal, Bruins are on, my roommates are drinking beer and watching a movie, and I'm locked in my office writing for the people. Just part of the gig I guess. Other bloggers go on vacation and stop updating their site at 5pm. Me? I keep going. I don't do it for the money, fame, or to get sports stars to follow me on twitter, I do it just to inform the people that what they think in life, if I don't agree with it, is wrong.
Alessandra Ambrosio
Let's cut the shit here really early into this blog. Alessandra Ambrosio is the absolute hottest Victoria's Secret model by about 2.6 miles. Its literally not even close, and about as close to perfection as a human being can be made. First of all she is Brazilian. That alone just lets you know she has great hip movement and some serious moves from the t7 vertebrae on down to her feet. "Oh what does that mean?" I'll tell you what it fucking means. It means if you had a bottle of beer that needed a bottle opener, just pop it between your legs and lay down, she will reverse sit on it and pop it right off with her asshole. Being Brazilian also gives you a great skin color benefit. If she made a player on NHL13 she would use skin color 4. Standing at 5 feet 9 inches and weighing a perfect 112 pounds, she is light enough where even a total weenie like myself can pull the good ole Patrick Swayze "roadhouse standing wall fuck."
ENOUGH SAID
Next on the list... Adriana Lima
I'm almost embarrassed that she isn't number one on this list, but to be fair, I don't think her brain functions at 100% because this is the guy she married....
I'm actually almost 100% positive he was born a cyclops and doctors had to actually glue an extra piece of skin on the bridge of his nose to split his awkward eye..sweet scum stash dude, you look like you bus tables at some shitty french restaurant in the jew end of NYC. Anyways I'm getting off point. Let's get back to Adriana Lima and all that she can do for you and your penis.
Look at those eyes. My god. I could almost definitely put a paper bag over her head and cut one eye hole out of it, and a little slit for a straw to go from my penis into her mouth, and have an endless supply of semen running through it for at least 4 years straight. Maybe 5 actually. This is another NHL13 4th skin package coming at you from....you guessed it....Brazil. I don't know whats in the water over there, but I guarantee you its gets filtered out in America. Probably some weird parasite that really should just be left alone to do its job because for Christ sakes, Brazilians really are just pure fire, all day, everyday. When girls go dark around the eyes like that you can pretty much be paralyzed and in a wheel chair and still get any guy you want. If I had to marry one of these girls, I would take Ambrosio 10/10 times, but if I had one night in a Vegas' suite with anyone in the world, it would be her. I've never in my life seen anyone scream sex freak more than this young lady. Standing at a perfect 5'10 and weighing 120 pounds, I could still plop her ass in time out if she misbehaves. Rocking picture perfect 34c breasts, she is one of the few models Victoria's Secret employs that can fill out a bra. She is an absolute weapon.
Last and for sure the least - the American cliche CANDICE SWANEPOEL
I really am going to try to be as positive as I can here. Is she hot? Yes. Would i have sex with her? Yes. But lets get down to basics. This girl has to work for her tan, its not a built in Brazilian tan, its a South African tan. You know who is South African? Ernie Els. Ernie doesn't even wear sunscreen when he golfs, Phil Mickelson has a better skin tone then he does and he is from California. Candice is an attractive girl, but she just doesn't ring my bell. I honestly feel like I can walk into Hamden High and find 4-7 girls just as hot as she is. 33a boobs and a natural pasty white skin doesn't do it for me, stick figure legs that may snap off at any moment during sex, knees that will bruise if she gets down on them. Not enough meat for me, not enough to hold onto. When I have sex I need to set up gates around my room like a PBR rodeo because shit is on. I need places to grab and squeeze and hold, she has none of those, if I grab her hair, its probably dyed, and it will fall out. If I swing her leg over my head it might dislocate or break, shes only about 5-10 years away from hip replacement. She looks brittle. I can't picture her whispering in my ear at a bar talking dirty to me. She looks like shes into balls and sack drags and I don't play that game. Just overall not impressed. Ambrosio and Lima are both 1 of a kind, you don't find girls like them anywhere. Candice...I don't know, I'd take a few actresses over her any day of the week.... Mila Kunis, Jennifer Aniston, Rachel McAdams....but Ambrosio and Lima...no way. The best 1-2 combo in the game. If Candice didn't have the blonde hair, there is a 0% chance she would be employed by such a wonderful company like Victoria's Secret. She would be doing granny panty advertisements for Kohls or Target. Again, is she hot, yes, very much so...but shes just not in the gold medal game at the Olympics.
She literally looks 2D in that picture. I might be able to wrap my penis around her like a belt. Not to mention how hard she is trying to out sex Ambrosio in this picture, and Alessandra isn't even trying, shes laughing at how much hotter she is, just enjoying the day. She knows shes number 1, and doesn't even feel the least bit threatened.
Not even close. The only thing I will point out in that picture is Adriana's hand on the wall, shes pushing back while you push forward because she wants it that much harder. She's the chick that pushes against the wall while your loading the cannon from the back. She's the chick that will snap your jack off and put you in the hospital with a frozen ring around your cock because they need the swelling to go down before they can tell you if your dick is broken or not. Congrats ladies, your all sexy in my book, but theres only room for 2 in the gold medal game and Candice, your not invited.
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